


Matt Murdoch is Human

by aQuack



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, But also not, Character Study, Happy Ending, Human, Kinda Dark, M/M, Matt is sad, Matts superpowers, This is just a ball of angst i wrote at 2 am on my phone, idk - Freeform, ive edited it but yeah.., psychology of a character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 23:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20591132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aQuack/pseuds/aQuack
Summary: Sometimes Matt doesn’t feel human and he hates it





	Matt Murdoch is Human

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is unbeta'd because my usual beta ghosted me :(
> 
> Nah but shes fine I think she just didnt have the time which fair. 
> 
> I was feeling very chatholic (my therapist says its called childhood trauma but whatever) so i wrote this and then it sat for like 5 months until i decided to do a cursory edit and post it.
> 
> These types of fics are my absolute favourite so if you got any recommendations... 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own, please feel free to comment on them (put me in my miserable place)
> 
> Enjoy

_Them Murdoch boys, they got the devil in them_

Sometimes Matt doesn’t feel human and he hates it.

He’ll sit in the tiny office of Nelson and Murdock while he writes up a plan for court and all he can feel is the air particles vibrating on his skin.

The rough feeling of the plastic from his keyboard.

The hard leather of his chair.

The itchiness of the suit Foggy helped him pick out.

He’ll listen to Karen teaching the new intern to organise the files in a way that Matt can use and to Foggy humming the tune of a billboard top 100 he listened to on his way to work. No one ever said those things weren’t catchy.

He’ll sit on top of a rooftop, guard the city below him and become distinctly aware of the horns on top of his helmet. He’ll hear someone breathing four blocks away and stop pulling in air because_ he’s not fucking human._

Sometimes it happens in the middle of a meeting with a client. Foggy will look over him and see how his movements have become so much less and notice how his smile widens like a snake ready for the kill. Ready to unhinge his jaw and split his face open.

He’ll make some excuse to end the meeting early and make sure Matt shakes their hand and then pushes him into the leather _why didn’t he buy a godamned comfy chair._

It’ll happen while boxing and he’ll wonder if this is how his father felt while he pummelled his fists into the opponent until their bodies were blooming in colours like a watercolour painting.

Once it happened during confessional.

Father Landom makes him have coffee with him until he can sit comfortably in his own skin again.

He starts crying because he’s human and this is father Landom who raises an eyebrow and calls him _just a boy_ in that way he misses his father doing to him.

Sometimes he’s not human and he _loves_ it.

He can feel the air rushing past him as he jumps off a building into an alley below. He can hear the sound of his fists colliding with some poor sod who decided tonight was the night he was going to rob someone. He can taste the blood spraying out of cracked bones and everything feels like an assault to his senses and he _loves_ it.

He’s not human and he’ll feel like the world is burning and ash is in the air and in his lungs.

And he’ll curl his hands around the coffee mug the father brought for him because he knows how he despises the taste of other people in his coffee and he’ll feel the fire getting warmer.

And he’ll _taste_ the dust in the air and _see_ the world but only in its ugly edges and faults and the saltiness of his tears and the remembered feeling of skin against his fists.

And his eyes will begin to itch because _don’t you know that’s the Murdock boy who got toxic chemicals in his eyes_ because God has a plan that He’s neglected to let anyone in on that cost Matt his sight and his father and his happiness.

One day in the future he’ll stand next to Foggy at his dads grave and tell him about what flavour wedding cake they’re going to have and he’ll think about how he _is_ human but just so much _more_ because he has a purpose and he needs to fulfil it. With or without Foggy’s permission.

Matt is human.

Matt is not.

Matt hates the taste of black coffee.

Father Landom nods solemnly and throws a coffee pod into the machine.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are what i live on, im a fae who thrives on people paying attention to them.
> 
> (He didnt buy a comfy chair because he thinks he doesnt deserve it)


End file.
